‘I am trapped bro.’ Why Twisha Sharma’s anguish resonates with so many Indian women

The financially independent feel cornered too by social pressure, emotional manipulation, the fear of humiliating their parents, the stigma attached to divorce and sometimes by the sheer exhaustion of starting a new life by breaking a mould. Tolerating discomfort and the status quo suddenly seems the lesser evil

Amid all the noise and investigation around the death of Twisha Sharma — whether it’s a dowry death, domestic violence, murder or suicide, her last text, “I am trapped bro”, is the real headline that raises a larger question. Why can’t an educated, capable, empowered, urban woman exit a marriage easily, even when she is unhappy or emotionally unsafe? More importantly, why does this feeling of being an island in a marriage resonate with so many young women?

The one-line text message articulates the insecurity that shrouds independent thinking in young women, especially in a case like Twisha’s, where a girl meets a boy not on a meet-cute but on an app, where both have consciously ticked off boxes, where there is no social mismatch or conflict. That’s because for all the spiel and advertisement of the modern marriage as one of companionship, equality and independence, the institution itself remains deeply conservative in its expectations of women. Even in nuclear double-income couples, women are unwittingly carrying the weight of role-playing. Call this a social dowry if you will — an uncodified playbook of what a young woman can bring to the table of family life.

Even the elite, privileged and liberal — who pride themselves in letting their sons and daughters make independent choices of partners and accept live-ins — seldom let a man-woman relationship evolve on its own dynamic once a marriage is finalised. It becomes a structure to be endured with patience. For women who have been conditioned by marital roles played by their mothers and grandmothers, subservience or adjustment comes easier than self-assertion and autonomy. The mother-in-law is as conscious about it as the woman’s own mother, both of whom are known to counsel the young woman on the challenges of family life.

In that process, the advice to “make a marriage work”, even when the concerned partners have drifted far apart because they want different things, is more manipulative than well-meaning. There is also this hidden game of emotional one-upmanship and “mother knows best” between generations of women that complicates matters. This is not a violent conflict but a sweet advisory from one householder to the next. But what it really hides is an internecine war for attention and relevance for the son/husband.

The fact that society continues to define a good mother or a good daughter by how they perpetuate a man’s centrality in their lives is the biggest hurdle. If the man is not the prized trophy worthy of attention, then the woman is either a bad mother, a bad wife, a rebel, or a maverick. It’s the worst when the woman does not want a child, simply because she feels she isn’t cut out to be a mother and is not meant to exist solely for the continuity of the human race.

Young women feel not only trapped but sucked in by the lack of a supportive ecosystem, even though most young women have a career, and some continue to be financially dependent. The financially independent feel cornered too by social pressure, emotional manipulation, the fear of humiliating their parents, the stigma attached to divorce and sometimes by the sheer exhaustion of starting a new life by breaking a mould. Tolerating discomfort and the status quo suddenly seems the lesser evil.

That’s why, for all the semblance of independence, they reconcile themselves to societal surveillance, a la the Stepford Wife, which the Oxford dictionary describes as a “a woman who does not behave or think independently, always following the accepted rules of society and obeying her husband without thinking”. This has normalised the ideal woman as being flawlessly put together, endlessly agreeable, and a champion of domestic life. In the US, there is an ugly resurgence of the concept as a “trad wife” subculture, where women embrace 1950s-style gender roles, prioritising domestic duties, cooking, and child-rearing while their husbands work as the primary breadwinners.

This subtle tension between privacy and social legitimacy is the reason that the most carefree woman is actually withdrawing into herself and erasing her individuality. Sadly, this silence itself is culturally rewarded, not her ambition or talent. As author Alice Walker once wrote: “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” Women may be visibly vocal but chained by institutions that have not evolved to listen to them.

The writer is senior associate editor, The Indian Express. [email protected]